13.3.2012

i'm at the airport trying to go through security check but my enormous hooded cape of a coat is not cooperating. my eyes hurt. i'm going home in a rush, trying to see my grandfather one last time before his lungs lose the battle they have been waging for the last 6 months. instead of being incapacitated by grief i have, instead made a list of everything i need to do in geneva before taking off for a month, and worked through them methodically. last night three of my friends gathered in my room to sit with me while i packed. it was no more grim than usual, just with more frequent morbid jokes. i found myself describing how we no longer cremate people on wooden pyres, using an electric facility instead. its not something i want to think about while my grandfather is still alive but i cannot stop myself from skipping ahead. as if by doing so i can avoid dealing with how painful the situation is right now.

i also feel silly. in an excess of nervous energy i have bought my sister a bright green watch from the swatch store at the airport. i have also been unable to stop myself from buying a boz of chocolate passion-fruit macaroons. my grandfather loved these the last time i took them. this time he is unconscious and unlikely to revive enough to recognise me; worrying us with his disregard for his diabetes by making enormous inroads into the stuff i bring back each time, so that he might eat little bits of the nicest things is no longer on his agenda. i have also bought an over priced cup of coffee from the kind of boutique bio faux-vegan restaurant that i despise. i don't drink coffee. i haven't done so for years. it is the price for not bursting into tears every 10 minutes. i cannot afford to do so, i have been dehydrated for the last 3 days as crying and mopping up do not leave enough time to rehydrate.

at security check the man says to me- do you have a laptop inside. yes i say. take it out please. boarding card please. smile please, you cannot go through my security check with a face like that.
it surprises me and makes me laugh. i tell him that i did not know smiles were required to go through security. next time i will take the train.
he laughs and lets me go through.

my flight is not boarding yet and i am losing patience. i want to get in and eat my sandwich.

My google-fu is not strong today

future tense

it is quite possible that in the next 2 weeks i will relocate to mumbai and start working there.
if so i close up my life in geneva a year and a half sooner than i planned.
oh no. but also. what fun mumbai might be.

turning this blog into a shrine

since i havent had a thought except for 'hugh laurie' i my head for the last week, i have decided to stop fighting the obsession and just go with the flow.

so i am going to inform all of you esteemed readers that this blog will now function as a shrine to the man. if i must suffer alternating pangs of lust and lovelorn-ness then i must document this return to fangirldom.

today i downloaded a bbc miniseries just because he was in it. i don't even like criminal-thriller type things from the 90's. euw.

i have also watched every single interview with hugh laurie on youtube.

i am now listening to his protest song. which i am enjoying so much i shall leave you another song instead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYhsbQ6VxqA

despite the fact that he's singing with an american accent, despite the fact that he is not from the deep south and singing the blues, i like the album. but this might be because my brain has been evacuated and hugh laurie shaped bubbles of love are occupying it instead.

hugh laurie love

over the last 3 days i have watched every single episode of house. always appreciative of the talents and physical perfection of hugh laurie, i find i am now verging on obsession.

this is how i felt at 15 when patrick rafter was my tennis god. slightly loopy. and full of deep sighs and an almost physical longing.

it does not help that house is a horribly addictive character, with issues that he is unable to resolve. i don't need to see him in every boy i have ever dated- too much fun, horribly unreliable, and addicted to something.

following on the hugh laurie bender i've been on i downloaded and attempted to watch the girl from rio. disaster. there are some things even i cannot do for love. like sit through that movie.

they should make an app that has people's voices in them, an app where you can convert a pdf file into a sound one- and have hugh laurie or alan rickman read your essays out to you. i know i would get a lot more work on food security done if it was hugh laurie's voice telling me about pds take-off. wouldn't that be wonderful in your i pod.

how to train your dragon

managed to be the most boring, but also most satisfying film to have happened to me this week.

9-5 jobs.

9-5 jobs often stretch to 9-6 and 9-7.
they can make furtively checking your facebook at work the thrill by which you mark your days.
they can turn you into the kind of person that 'does' lunches on weekdays with friends because you might not have life outside of office to fit all of them into, while also managing some sleep and laundry time.
they can make you focus on things like cornering the last heater in the office, or being taken out for lunch by your boss that you forget that you started out trying to save the world. now all your are trying to do is submit your leave applications on time so that you can spend the weekend in italy.
this blog post about 9-5 jobs is so depressing. i shall leave. besides if i don't go to bed by 1.am i will not be able to get to work by 9.