13.3.2012

i'm at the airport trying to go through security check but my enormous hooded cape of a coat is not cooperating. my eyes hurt. i'm going home in a rush, trying to see my grandfather one last time before his lungs lose the battle they have been waging for the last 6 months. instead of being incapacitated by grief i have, instead made a list of everything i need to do in geneva before taking off for a month, and worked through them methodically. last night three of my friends gathered in my room to sit with me while i packed. it was no more grim than usual, just with more frequent morbid jokes. i found myself describing how we no longer cremate people on wooden pyres, using an electric facility instead. its not something i want to think about while my grandfather is still alive but i cannot stop myself from skipping ahead. as if by doing so i can avoid dealing with how painful the situation is right now.

i also feel silly. in an excess of nervous energy i have bought my sister a bright green watch from the swatch store at the airport. i have also been unable to stop myself from buying a boz of chocolate passion-fruit macaroons. my grandfather loved these the last time i took them. this time he is unconscious and unlikely to revive enough to recognise me; worrying us with his disregard for his diabetes by making enormous inroads into the stuff i bring back each time, so that he might eat little bits of the nicest things is no longer on his agenda. i have also bought an over priced cup of coffee from the kind of boutique bio faux-vegan restaurant that i despise. i don't drink coffee. i haven't done so for years. it is the price for not bursting into tears every 10 minutes. i cannot afford to do so, i have been dehydrated for the last 3 days as crying and mopping up do not leave enough time to rehydrate.

at security check the man says to me- do you have a laptop inside. yes i say. take it out please. boarding card please. smile please, you cannot go through my security check with a face like that.
it surprises me and makes me laugh. i tell him that i did not know smiles were required to go through security. next time i will take the train.
he laughs and lets me go through.

my flight is not boarding yet and i am losing patience. i want to get in and eat my sandwich.